We have lived in this neighborhood for 9 years this past May. Since day one, my son has been friends with the kids diagonal to us. I have become very good friends with their mother. We have a great time together and I really value her friendship. She has three children a boy 1 year older than CAL, a girl the same age as CAL, and another boy two years younger. In the past we have had arguments over the kids but only one major "fight" (several years ago) in those 9 years. But, she is so mad at me right now. She has NEVER been this mad at me before, it seems strange. I am sure her story will be different than mine. It has to be.... I honestly understand her being mad but...... I don't think I did anything wrong. The story follows:
Her two boys were over here last night. They were playing in the downstairs family room. The older boys were playing Wii and the younger was playing with my sons pirate Lego's. I yelled down and said it was time for the boys to go home and they did. This morning I went down stairs and it was quite a mess. My son doesn't always pick up after himself so I assumed it was CALs mess. I told CAL that he had to pick up, and he did. Later during a different argument CAL said that he was upset because the "Smith" children are the ones that made the mess and he had to clean it up. This has been an issue in the past. They do NOT help clean up. My son goes to their house and cleaning up is a given that does not even have to be said. It is just done. They do NOT extend the same courtesy over here. CAL has been told several times in the past. He is responsible for making his friends clean up. He has to be the one to tell/ask them to do so. If he does not, then he is responsible for cleaning up the entire mess. I have never talked to Mrs. Smith about it because it is something the kids have to work out themselves.
My son became very upset and was yelling at me and became slightly out of control. I said "that does it, you are not to play with the Smith children at all today." About an hour later the younger boy came knocking on the door. I told him that CAL could not play at all today. In the past I have said CAL cannot play today and an hour later they will be back.
Mrs. Smith then called to ask (which she does quite often) why CAL could not play. I didn't want to get into it with her and just said he couldn't.
Later CAL asked if he could play with a different child and I said he could. Now when he plays with the Smith children they usually play video games, or non-active things. This has always bothered me. I want my child playing outside and playing hard. With CAL's other friend that is exactly how they play. They will play wiffle ball for an hour, go inside and play video games, and then go back outside for football. This child has only been a friend for about a year. Before that CAL would ask regularly if he wanted to play and he never did. This used to upset me and I talked to Mrs. Smith about this quite often. Nothing makes me more upset than to feel like my son is being snubbed.
This afternoon I played baseball and football with my son and his friend. I was so sweaty that I decided to hop into the shower. The phone rang and it was Mrs. Smith. She was very upset and wanted to know why CAL was playing with "John". I said CAL could not play with her kids because they did not pick up. I really didn't have time to talk to her at that point because I was ready to step into the shower (if you know what I mean) I knew that she was very angry. I tried calling her back after I was out of the shower. She told her son to tell me she was busy. That has NEVER happened before.
I am very sorry that she feels her kids were left out.... because I know how upset that makes me, but.... I don't think I was wrong. Do you? I am sorry this was so long winded. I am sure you were all sitting on the edge of your chairs wondering how this cat fight would end. Plus I am sure you were really interested. Sorry.
10 comments:
I do not think you are wrong.
No, I don't think you were wrong, but circumstances, how it has played out does not appear favorable. I think when she asked the first time, if you'd told her why, it probably would have gone over better, but why does she call when CAL can't play? What is that about. Sometimes they can, sometimes they can't.
My niece makes a HUGE mess here and never picks up. I now tell her when she walks in, if she can't pick up, then she can't play here. As soon as she walks in the door. I don't know if its taking, but we're trying.
That's flat out a tough situation you're in.
Your right I should have told her why the first time. We did discuss the fact that the kids did not pick up during that first conversation but I didn't make it clear that it was because of that, that CAL could not play. I was trying to avoid the situation. She will call almost everytime when CAL cannot play. I don't know why. She just wants an explaination. Another thing she doesn't understand is basically our kids have nothing in common. My son loves sports, baseball, basketball, and what-not. Her kids are more hotwheels, chalk in the driveway, video games type of kids. She loves when my son comes over because he will get her kids out of the house. Yesterday he just wanted to play something physical. She wants CAL to include her kids, but when he tries, they end up playing the chalk in the driveway type of things. He does not like them to play when he plays with "John". I guess we failed the test this morning. About 10:30 her oldest was at the door. My son said "sorry cannot play". I am sure she is even more upset now. We are heading out to run a few errands this morning. CAL is very upset about (in his mind) getting in trouble because of them and said he doesn't want to play with them at all. They are truly starting to grow in different directions. Her kids have always been there for CAL and I feel so bad about this whole mess.
Bou said what I was going to say. On the other hand you could take a page from my book and just don't talk to any of your neighbors and have them all afraid of you. It really does cut down on these kinds of dramas. Oh, and when the boys go to play with their friends, it's always at the friends house because their parents don't want to send their kids here.
Fine by me. :)
Yeah, kids tend to me a little afraid of me also. I am very strick. I work at my son elementary school in many different roles so I know all these kids. I am not a very social person so I don't interact with most of my neighbors. The one to my right. Now he is a topic for a blog posting all on his own. He hates me! I think I have lucked out though. Two dramas in 9 years.... That's not bad.
Invite her over for a cup of coffee later and apologize for not explaining right away. Tell her it was your own kids that need to face their responsibility, not a judgment on her kids (even if it is. Sometimes little white lies just make for better neighbors.)
If she is still ticked off after that, then it's her problem. You at least made the effort.
egg and TP her house
:)
WB that is my next step. I will let you know how it turns out. Last night at 8:30 her oldest is knocking on our door to play. 8:30, it was dark.
Yeah, I was wondering how it turned out. But Mrs. Who is right. Maybe just sitting down and telling her what the big issue is... she may get it. But the problem is going to be not making it sound like her kids are being jerks. In actuality, they aren't. Its HER NOT TEACHING them that is jerkish.
I think chocolate goes a long way personally.. ;-)
Bou, You are 100% correct. There is so much more history here but obviously I cannot rehash everything. The other argument that we got into was her thinking her son is a genius. She is constantly saying "his mind doesn't work the way others do", "He is constantly thinking", His mind is constantly thinging he just can't stop it", and so many more. The argument started because I said he was being disrespectful. I told him to stop doing something and he asked me "why?" I told him he was a child and I didn't have to explain and he just kept questioning me on it. In her mind that is just "how he is" and he was not being disresctful he just "had to know". I understand that kids need to know why and I would have gladly explained the reason, had it needed to be explained. Whatever it was it didn't need explaining. She has come a long way since we moved in 9 years ago. She will be the first to admit that she made a lot of mistakes with her oldest but.... She has a LONG way to go. I am not the only one to tell her that her boys are disrespectful. You would not believe some of the things that have done (her kids) Personally I think that her oldest has Aspergers in some shape or form. He has several of the "signs" but NOT all of them.
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